2 Years

My Sweet Tater,

Two years ago, on March 19, 2010, your Daddy and I got up early and headed to the hospital.  I had barely slept the night before, but that didn't matter.  I was so anxious to see you, to hold you, to kiss your sweet cheeks. 

We met your birthmother, Joy, there and before we knew it, Daddy and I were alone, waiting for your arrival.  My heart was racing as I tried to soak in every little detail about that morning, knowing that it would be something that I would want to treasure forever. 

I stood in the OR recovery area with my ear pressed against the door and listened to your sweet cries as you entered this world at 10:04.  Minutes later, you were wheeled into the room and I laid my eyes on you, my son, for the first time.  You were so handsome and tiny.  My arms ached to hold you, to whisper in your ear that I loved you.

We stood at the window to the nursery and watched you get your first bath and get checked by the doctors and nurses.  I couldn't help smiling, knowing that you were finally here.  We made phone call after phone call, spreading the news about your birth to family and friends.  Your Trish even brought Krispy Kreme doughnuts to celebrate your birthday. 

And then the time came when you were ready to go to Joy's room, time when we could finally hold you and love on you.  I was the first one to pick you up and I felt like my heart would burst with love for you.  Watching your daddy hold you for the first time was the sweetest moment ever.  He's never been much of a baby man, but holding you, his son, just came naturally.  We spent a few hours with you and your birthfamily, all of us amazed at how handsome and perfect you were.  We took turns holding you and snuggling with you.  The love we all had for you filled the room.

Daddy took me home to get a few things and then he took me back to the hospital.  I got to spend that first night with you and Joy in the hospital room, just the three of us.  We loved on you, taking turns cuddling with you.  We talked about you, sharing our hopes and dreams for your future, and we marveled over how small you were and how gorgeous your chocolate eyes were.  We counted your toes and fingers and wondered if your hair would be curly or straight.  After Joy fell asleep, I put you in the bed with me and I just stared at you, feeling like I needed to pinch myself to remind myself that this wasn't a dream.  I felt like the luckiest mommy in the whole world. 

And you know what, Tater?  Ever since that day, two years ago, you have filled our lives with so much joy and love.  You are the child that we longed for, the one we hoped and prayed for.  God answered our prayers and brought us together to be a family.  I am thankful for the miscarriage and the years of infertility because without them, you wouldn't be our son and that thought breaks my heart.  God used those things to give us you.  You will never have red hair like Daddy or green eyes like me, but that's not important.  What is important is that you have had our hearts from the very beginning.  You are our son and always will be.   

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always;
As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. 

I love you, Tater.  Happy Second Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

My God Is So Big

Most nights, when it's time for Tater to go to sleep, he will ask us to rock him and while rocking him, he'll ask us to sing.  It's the cutest thing ever.  Dave has a few songs that he always sings to him, but I like to change it up.  Some nights, I sing hymns, other nights I'll sing praise choruses, and then sometimes, I'll pick a childhood song like Skidamarink. 

Last night as I was rocking him for a few minutes before putting him in his crib, this simple song that we used to sing in Children's Church instantly came to mind. 

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do
My God is so big, so strong and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do
The mountains are his
The rivers are his
The skies are his handy works too
My God is so big, so strong and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do

As I was singing it, I couldn't help but look at my little guy and remember just how true that song is.  With Him, all things are possible.  Because of Him, I am now a mommy, something that seemed impossible at times. 

There are many times that I worry about what the future holds.  I wonder if we'll ever be able to adopt again, if I'll ever want to adopt again (more on that later), if Tater is meant to be an only child.  Singing that simple song to Tater last night brought tears to my eyes because it was a reminder to me of all that He has already done and the fact that I can put my trust in Him for my future, no matter what it holds. 

I just have to remember that even when things feel impossible and I'm discouraged, that my God is so big, so strong and so mighty, and there's nothing my God cannot do.

What's New

I've been promising updates, so here goes....Four things that are "new".

1.  Our photo profiles arrived.  Most of your already know this, since you've seen our previous blog post, but we found some mistakes.  It was nothing major, just a few things, but knowing that this is what a mother would be looking at when trying to decide if we should be the parents for her child, we decided to fix the errors and have them reprinted.  We are, however, going to turn in the ones we got until the others come in.  The new ones have been ordered, so it shouldn't take long at all.  :)  So, if all works out, tomorrow Dave will run them by, and our profiles will be at the agency.  That means that we will be active at the agency!  :)  Can't begin to describe how exciting it is.  Yes, I know that I must be realistic and know our wait could be forever, but I'm trying to put faith that God will provide!  I'm praying that God will provide in 2010!  :)

2.  Two weeks ago, I went to my normal annual doctor's appointment.  I brought up some symptoms that I'm having and asked about the possibility of endometriosis, something my mom and I had talked about in previous conversations.  My doctor told me to see our fertility doctor and talk with him about it.  The only way to diagnose it would be a laparoscopy, which I am not looking forward to, but we're willing to try.  Now, we just have to schedule it.  I've tried calling a few times, but it seems that their lunch break falls at the same time as my break at school.

It's funny, because the few people I've told have then proceeded to tell me that maybe this will be the answer to our infertility.  I won't lie-getting pregnant would be awesome, but my heart is so set on this adoption stuff, that it would almost be disappointing at the same time.  I know that sounds horrible, but it's the truth.  Yes, I would love a strawberry blonde, very pale,  Dave/Jennifer running around more than anything, but I also would love a kid that didn't look like me running around as well, knowing that God has been glorified through adding to our family through adoption.  I know this doesn't make much sense, and to some extent, it doesn't make sense to me either, but it's the truth.

3.  The biggest news is probably this:  We turned down another baby.  We got an email about two weeks ago about a possible baby due to be born in July.  Now, don't get carried away: The mother hadn't chosen us or anything, but we got asked if we wanted the mother to see our information along with other couples.  After finding out more information, we said no, but it breaks my heart to do so.  Why did we say no, you might ask?  Well, lots of reasons.  One, our profile wasn't done at the moment and they needed it asap if we wanted to be considered.  Two, the amount of money was out of this world!  Let's just say it's around the $40,000 mark.  Three, the baby was going to be born in Nevada, making the expenses higher, due to travel, and more red tape, due to it being so far away.  So, another baby closer to our VBK baby, right?

4.  Now that our profiles are ready, it's time for the next big step: The money.  We've got to decide on how to go about getting this large sum of money.  Just pray that we'll make smart choices and that God will provide!  He has so far, so I'm not going to doubt Him when it comes to this.  I do know, though, that we have to do our part!  I'm already cooking up ideas on ways to have something like a fundraiser.  If you have any ideas, I would love to hear them!  :)

Thanks for praying for us.  It's awesome to know that people, even some who don't know us personally, are praying for Baby VBK!

Questions Answered

Here are a few questions that I've received that I thought I'd answer.

1.  Are we still trying to have our own biological children?


Yes, of course, we are still "trying", but at this point, that basically means that we are doing nothing to prevent it from happening, as has been the case for the past 5 years (will officially be 5 years this March).  At times, we have done temperature charting, ovulation monitors, and I've been on clomid (a type of medicine that aids in ovulation, was on 50 mg and then 100 mg) for about 6 months of that time period with no results.

2.  Are we going to try any infertility treatments?


Yes and no.

We do plan on trying the IUI procedure once, just to say that we have tried it.  The cost for this procedure is right under $1000.   Basically, they put me on clomid, monitor my egg growth and release, take numerous blood draws, and when the time is right, they would artificially inseminate me through a catheter.  Sounds romantic, right?  haha

We had planned on doing this procedure soon after our appointment at the fertility doctor last November, but because of my gall bladder issues, they wouldn't let us do any of that until that was taken care of.  Right now, we are in the midst of getting that set up.  Due to the fact that things have to be timed exactly right, we didn't want to schedule them on days when we would be gone to Virginia.

We do not, however, have any plans of moving forward after that.  IVF is just too expensive and invasive for us.  It's right for some people, but for us, we would rather use that money to adopt.

3.  Does our insurance cover infertility treatments?


A big fat NO!  Our insurance will cover diagnostic testing, but does not cover a single cent of any infertility treatments.  Not even the clomid. :(

4.  How much does an adoption cost?


Adoption costs all vary depending on what type of adoption you are doing.

International can be pretty expensive, but that is due to the massive amounts of paperwork, called a dossier,  and traveling that you must do.  These can cost anywhere from $10,000 to $30,000 and sometimes more.  Also, there is always the chance that after getting a lot of money into adopting from a certain country, that country will then close the adoption rights and your adoption will fall through.  Some countries will lesson the adoption fee for hard to place children.

Domestic infant adoptions are expensive and can range from $5,000 to $40,000.  I would say the average cost would be around $25,000.  The expenses differ depending on what type of adoption you do.  There are agency adoptions, independent adoptions, attorney adoptions, etc.  The major risk of these would be the birthmother/father deciding after the baby is born to parent the baby.  Also, because most states allow it, the adoptive parents normally have to pay for some living expenses of the birthparents.  If they do change their mind after the baby is born, most of that money is then lost.

Foster care adoptions can cost between $0-$5,000.  Many of these children are hard to place children, meaning children who are older than 8, have siblings, or have medical issues.  With these adoptions, the children normally have lots of emotional issues and there is normally an issue with the parent's rights.  They prefer to place these children with people that are older and have had parenting experience.

5.  What is a home study?


A home study is the first thing you need to do in order to adopt.  It's basically a document which states that you are capable of providing for a child.  For ours, we had to do tons of paperwork, some of which included employers letters stating where we worked, an application, information on our finances, proof of our marriage, birth certificates, and the list goes on.  Also, we had to complete a physical, proving that we didn't have any health conditions keeping us from adopting, we had to have numerous background checks done, we had to have multiple references, we had to sign agreements stating that we had not been arrested for any reason, and numerous of other things .  Dave and I had to complete a paper on our history and reasons for adopting.  These had to be typed and had to answer four pages of questions given to us by our social worker.  When we were finished, Dave's paper was 10 pages long and mine was 12.  Pretty crazy stuff.  We also had our social worker come to our house to make sure our home was suitable for children and we had an interview with her.

Our home study started in late September and was completed the first week in November.  Ours went by pretty quickly due to the fact that we were going to be adopting K's baby is October.

Home study costs can range from about $1000 to $2000.  Ours was a gift from a family here in Florida that has known of our desire to have a family.  We are SOO grateful to them for providing this for us!!!

6.  Did we have to have a baby's room ready for our home study?


No, we did not, and I am very thankful for that.  Yes, I want to get a room together, but having a prepared room and it staying empty would not be much fun.  We do, however, have a few things here at the house in case we get a phone call about a baby that has already been born.  We have an infant car seat, a pack-n-play, a baby bathtub, numerous toys, and a handful of baby outfits.  We have friends that have a crib for us and another family that has a swing ready for us, when the time comes.  We have been blessed by having friends that are willing to give us things for baby VBK.

7.  What wait time are we looking at?


Once we finish up of family profile, our wait time could be anywhere between a couple of weeks to 2 years (or longer).  When adopting through an agency (and most other venues), your name is not just put on a list and you move up a list as babies are placed.  When a birthmother comes in, she is given multiple family profiles and she can decide on one of those.  We will have to be "chosen" in order to adopt so it could take a while.

I hope this has answered some of your questions.  Feel free to email me at jennifervbk@yahoo.com  if you have any more.  :)

Infertility Assumptions

I'm going to update you guys this weekend (when I've got some free time on my hands) on where we are in this whole adoption process.  I did, though, want to share this.  Here are some common infertility assumptions that I've come in contact with over the last 5 years.


Infertility Assumptions


1.  People who are infertile do not enjoy being around babies.  
This is not the truth for most of us.  I love babies and baby things.  I enjoy holding and cuddling with babies.  I work in the nursery once a month and will continue.  Yes, there are times when it makes me sad to know that we don't have our own children, but this does not mean that I do not want to talk about babies or skip holding the newborns in our church.

2.  I am jealous of people who are pregnant or have children.
I am not jealous.  To me, being jealous means that I want what they have and I want to take it away from them.  I do desire to be a mother and to have children, but I do not wish for others to have to go through this journey.  I also don't think about how I wish other people weren't so "lucky" when it comes to getting pregnant.   I do, sometimes, get annoyed with the people who constantly complain about being pregnant or how their children make their lives so unhappy.  There are some of us that would do anything to have those "horrible" pregnancy symptoms that you are constantly complaining about.  Be thankful!!!!!!!

3.  Infertile people hate baby showers.
This one kind of goes along with number 1, but is somewhat different.  We do not hate baby showers, but we do hate the fact that by going to them, we are constantly reminded that we have not achieved pregnancy.  We dream about the day when we are the ones opening up the presents instead of always being the one buying the presents.  For me, I hate going because it always brings the question of when we are going to have kids.  This means that I then have to go into the whole infertility talk and have people feel sorry for me.  I don't mind sharing this information, but sometimes, I just want to be normal, too.  

4.  Insurance covers infertility treatments.
For most of us, insurance will not touch any infertility treatments.  For Dave and I, we have our own insurance policy, which we pay and arm and a leg for, and while they will help pay for diagnostic testing, they do not cover ANY of our infertility treatments.  For those of you who have never had to look into infertility treatments, just trust me when I say that they are expensive.  Our 15 minute office visit, not even an exam, with the infertility specialist cost us $300.

5.  We don't want children.
I have had quite a few people who do not know about our issues ask us if we don't want children.  People assume, sometimes, that since we have been married for more than 5 years and don't have children, that we don't want children.  Yes, we want children, but in the future, don't just assume that a couple doesn't want children because they don't have any.  They might just struggle with infertility and asking them this question can be hurtful.

6.  It is easy to adopt.
Often times, when we find out people cannot have children, we tell them that they should adopt, as if all you have to do is sign a paper, head to the hospital, and drive away with a baby.  This is not the case, at all!  I'm hoping that this blog can be used to help others understand that adoption is overwhelming, expensive, and an emotional roller coaster.


  

Prayers Needed

If you can, will you please lift up the Woolard and Mouldin family in your prayers?  Kelly and Eric Woolard went to college with us and after getting married, they struggled with infertility.  After a couple rounds of IVF, they got pregnant with twins.  Just this Thursday, the twins, Luke and Macey, were born early at 28 weeks.  We found out today that Luke died last night and Macey still has a long road, but seems to be a fighter.

My heart breaks for them.

It's been too long

It has been too long since I last updated the blog.  Sorry about that, but we've been pretty busy.

Here's what's new with us:

Baby A is doing well and so is K.  I've spoken with her and everything seems to be going pretty smoothly. Sad that Baby A won't be a part of our family, but very proud of K and her decision.  My goal is to meet both of them either in November or December.  Like I said when she was born, even though she's not officially a VBK, she will always hold a special place in my heart.

Like I said in the last post, we are super, super close to officially being paper pregnant.  Once that happens, we're going to have to figure out what our next move is, but at least we are moving in the right direction.  We've been looking into some adoption agencies, so we'll have to make some decisions on what to do next.  With this blog, I hope to open the eyes of some people who are "fertile", who never have had to research adoption, agencies, or the cost.  Some people think that it's so easy and if someone struggles with infertility, that it should be easy to adopt, but man, it's tough in so many ways.  SOOO tough and I hope some eyes are opened with this blog, as well as it being used as a document of our journey.

We did turn down a baby that is going to be born in February.  I came home this week to find an email from our homestudy lady with a possible baby situation.  We aren't listed with an agency or anything, but she's been contacted with the situation and wanted us to look it over and let her know if we were interested.  I can't really discuss it here on the web, but basically, it was WAY more money than what we wanted or had considered the norm from our research, and the situation itself was kind of shady.  Maybe it would have worked out, but neither Dave or I felt at peace about moving on with the situation.  It's hard, because we want a child, a person to make us officially a family, but I'm learning that we're going to have to make smart choices, and sometimes, those choices are hard.  (More on the money issue in a later post.)

The day that we turned the situation down, I got on facebook to see that even more people are pregnant. Yes, I know that one day we will have a family, but it's hard for anyone in our situation to be happy about their long wait while lots don't even have to think about it.  It's hard to understand and to me, that's the hardest thing.  Why is so easy for some people and so hard for others?  Why us?  Why can't they find anything wrong, but yet, nothing happens?  Are we being punished?  Do I not love God enough?  These are all some of the questions that go through my head.  I know, for the most part, that most of these are silly questions, but after 5 years, it's hard not to ask those questions.

For now, it's time to go to bed.  Air Force One is almost finished on tv and with the fall festival tomorrow, we'll need our rest.  Goodnight all and thanks for reading through my rambling thoughts.

Disclaimer

While resting in bed last night, I decided that I should probably put this up here:

The last blog entry is not about one specific person or situation, but rather the events that have taken place in the five years of waiting for "our day" to come.  I do not intend to hurt anyone's feelings, but my only intention is to speak the truth about how I feel as we travel this journey.  This blog has become a good outlet for me and a great way for me to express some of the feelings that I don't often talk about and keep inside.

Thankful Thoughts and Heart Groans

Just a few updates and thoughts:

I am thankful for something that has caused me a lot of pain and suffering.  I am thankful that we have had to deal with the horrible reality of infertility.  Yes, I have cried many tears over this issue, felt empty inside, felt out of place at a kid's events, and I don't wish it on my worst enemy, but truthfully, it's made me a stronger person and one who will be, hopefully, very considerate when that day comes for us when we get to add to our family.

Dave and I were talking on the way home tonight about pregnancies and how people announce and react to them.  For us, finding out that someone else is pregnant is kind of sad.  Yes, we are very excited for them and want the best, but at the same time, it's hard.  We wonder why it can't be us.  People tell us that God knows best and that we just have to wait for his timing, but until you've been in our shoes, you have NO IDEA how empty those words are.  We do believe that God has a plan,  but if you've never had to wait longer than a year or even six months for those two blessed lines on a pregnancy test or for that sweet moment when your child takes their first breathe, I dare say that you know little of what we deal with on almost an everyday basis.

Along those same lines, hearing people complain about their pregnancies starts to irritate me.  I try to be patient, but here's the thing.  To me, complaining about your pregnancy woes is like a rich man complaining about his four story house and awesome job to a man who is losing their house because they've lost their job.  If you were the first man, would you sit around and talk about your things and not feel any compassion at all on the poor man?  Would you complain about how you have to go to work everyday and deal with cleaning your pool?  I would hope that you would be considerate and think about how that other person feels.  Does that make any sense?

Now, do you need to hide your pregnancy from us (people who struggle getting pregnant) and pretend that nothing is going on?  No, that can be just as hurtful, but at the same time, all I ask is that the next time you're around someone who is struggling, think about how you complaining about having morning sickness or a sore back makes them feel.  I bet they would die to have to deal with an upset stomach and a hurt back.

Okay....now that I've stood on my soap box for long enough........The birth mom, K, is due this Saturday.  I've emailed and chatted with her.  She's pretty scared of the whole labor thing and I would be, too.  She's still planning on keeping the baby, A, and she and M have taken a few classes.  Just, if you get a chance, say a prayer for K and M, and baby A.  As much as I would love to welcome baby A into our family, I have to realize that God is in control and He needed us in this situation to show K God's love.

I did mail K the baby outfit and stuffed animal that we bought soon after finding out that it was a girl.  I just needed her to know that we love this baby no matter what.  She sent me a thank you note and was very excited to get it in the mail.  We've even talked about meeting face to face in November when we got home for Dave's marathon.  :-)

Thanks for all of your prayers.

Holidays and Encouragement

So, while I'm still at peace with all of this, I was a little sad tonight.
We were driving home from having supper with friends for Dave's birthday and we were talking about his marathon in November.  We then started talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans and if we'll be able to go home to Virginia during that time.
This, of course, got me thinking about the fact that after we got the news that we were going to get this baby, that I was excited about Christmas.  Ever since our miscarriage, Christmas has been bittersweet for me.  Yes, I love spending time with family and being in the Christmas spirit (if that's possible when it's warm outside), but at the same time, it's just another reminder that it's just the two of us.  It's kind of sad and lonely.  When everyone rushes home after Christmas Eve service to get their kids in bed so that Santa can come, we go home to our quiet house, just the two of us and our pups.  Now, I know that someday, somehow, that we will have a Christmas spent with VBK kids, full of excitement and smiles,  but I was just hoping that those lonely Christmas holidays were long gone.

On a much, much, lighter note, here's a blog that I thought you guys might enjoy.  It's been a big encouragement to me, especially here recently.  http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com/