Relationship with J

N and I went and met up with J yesterday at a local mall for a couple of hours.  It was sooo good to see her.

Here's a picture of the two of us with N.  Obviously, I cropped some of it out, but I love this picture.  We were attempting to get a picture of two of us with N, something we realized that we didn't have.  At this point, he was tired and so over taking pictures, as you can tell by the look on his face.  We, however, were laughing at him and his squirminess.  I love the smiles on our faces, the smiles that show the love for this little boy, the little boy that brought the two of us together.

There is no manual for how a relationship will go with a birthmother.  Every adoption is different and every situation is unique. Some birthmothers are young teenagers and others, like J, are older and more established. For some, this is their first child, while others already have children.   Each birthmother has their own reasons for choosing adoption for their child.

As for my relationship with J, I just kinda do what I feel comfortable with.  We are not required to visit with her or even to stay in close contact with her.  As for what is legally required of us, all I would need to do would be to send pictures and updates to her 4 times the 1st year, 2 times the 2nd year, and then 1 time every year following until he's 18.  I'm not legally bound to do anything beyond that.

Why do I do it?  Well, there are two reasons.  The first is for a little 21 pound boy.  I know that while it may be something he struggles with at some point in his life, I want him to know his birthfamily.  He has the right to know.  His adoption was not shameful, but rather full of love and he deserves to know that.  I look forward to sharing pictures with him when he's old enough to understand.  I also do it because of J. I can't imagine what it's like to be in her shoes.  I can't imagine the tears and pain that brought her to the decision of making an adoption plan.  I can't imagine the emptiness of leaving the hospital without the baby that I just delivered.  While she constantly tell us that she's soo happy that we adopted N, I know that the decision was not an easy one.  I try to treat her the way I would want to be treated if the tables were turned.

This meeting with her was the third time we've seen her since leaving the hospital.  We met for the first time at her home and since then, we've met at a local park and now at the mall.  I do stay in contact with her through texting.  I have a blog for her, but because she hasn't had access to a computer, I haven't updated it in a few months.

J loves N.  If things had been different in her life when N came along, she probably would not have chosen adoption.  A lot of people think that birthmothers don't want their child, but for J, it was the opposite.  She loves him so much that she knew that he needed more than what she could provide.  She sacrificed her emotions and wants to give him a better life, a life that included having a daddy.

Things are not awkward when she's around.  She doesn't try to act like his mother and acts more like an aunt.  I try my hardest when we are with her to have her interact with N.  I let her hug on him, feed him, play with him, etc.  Seeing this brings tears to my eyes.  Watching her crawl on the floor with him and her two older children yesterday brought me such happiness.