Low Spirits (As Dave Would Say)

Sorry for not posting the last few days.  My mom, sister, and sister in law have been here visiting and we've been on the go a lot.  Trying to fit in our normal visit stuff and spending time with N.  

I've been in low spirits the last few days. :(  

My family left yesterday and it's hard to see them go.  I miss my family so much and I hate watching them pack up and drive out of the driveway.  I enjoy living here in Jacksonville, but man, I miss my family.  I miss not having them with us through all of this.  Yes, they are only a phone call away, but it's quite a long drive between here and there.  I planned on blogging last night, but after they left, all I wanted to do was sit around.  

N's doing well.  He's currently on .3 of his meds and we're hoping to move to .25 tomorrow.  I'm not sure if they will let him, though, because he scored a 11 this morning.  :(  We feel that the score would have been different if his normal nurse had him, but she wasn't working today.  

There are times when the regular NICU nurses come down to the NICU Step Down nursery, where N is, and help out.  Whenever this happens, N seems to get stuck with that nurse.  While the nurses are super nice, it seems to me (and this is my own opinion) they aren't necessarily trained to deal with babies that are dealing with an addiction/weaning like what N is going through.  Also, the NICU nurses deal with mainly preemies and N is full term, making some of his normal 3 week old baby behaviors looks like withdrawal symptoms when compared to babies that are teeny tiny.  These things makes it difficult for me when I see high scores with these nurses, knowing that the doctors see the high score and not necessarily the right reasons behind the high score.  These high scores can make his stay in the hospital even longer, making me want to scream.  

He got a 4 and a 6 later today, but when I called at 8, the nurse said that he'd had another rough patch and would probably get a higher score again tonight.  Not excited about that at all.  With some of the regular NICU Step Down nurses, if he is fussy, they will try to find the reason for him being fussy and score accordingly.  I don't feel that the NICU nurses do the same.  With him being a 3 week old full term baby, there are times when he just wants to be held and talked to. He is going to fuss when he wants to eat, when he has a dirty diaper, when he has to take a poop, when he wants attention, etc.   It's not a withdrawal sign, it's a sign of a healthy baby.  

We talked with one of the doctors today and it looks like we have at least two more weeks in the NICU before coming home.  It could be more, depending on how he reacts to being weaned off of his meds (and how he is scored), but 13 days is the least that we have.  I want him home so badly.  I am tired of being a NICU mom, I am tired of spending most of my waking time in the hospital, I'm tired of holding him while sitting in a hospital recliner, I'm tired of looking at his clothes and not being able to let him wear any of them.  :(  

I know that some of this is silly.  I am so thankful for him and for J's decision.  I almost cry just thinking about the morning that she signed the papers.  I am one of the lucky ones, one of the adoptive parents that didn't have to wait years after getting the home study done.  We got extremely lucky and I don't want to take that for granted.  I love him so very much and only want what is best for him.  I just want him home.  I want him here with us, in our house, hanging out with us, sleeping in his bed.  

There are good things.  They weighed him tonight and he's 7 lbs. 6.3 oz.  :)  Officially and finally over his birth weight of 7 lbs. 4.2 oz.  He's eating better and is an awesome burper.  He loves to look around and will look right at you when you're holding him or talking to him.  He will follow you with his eyes if you move and loves being held and touched.  He's healthy and the nurses love the little man, even taking him out of his isolette and letting him chill with them at the nurses station.  He's starting to make the best faces, some of those seen in the last few posts.  His muscles aren't as tight and he is more relaxed.  He still loves to be swaddled and is in love with his pacifier, although, after he falls asleep, he will normally spit it out out not take it if offered.  

I love him.  :)